On the 16-bit pornographic terrorist taser training game.
I feel much better now, having played a bunch of really old games packed into this single arcade cabinet that Seiji and I monopolized for the few hours we were there.
First, “Street Fighter”. The Hadouken is impossible to pull off reliably. We think it’s a game balance thing, to keep us nimble folk from Hadouken-ing the characters right into oblivion. The bloody thing rips half your damage bar away, so the randomness might be a good thing.
Second, Japanese wrestling games. The game we played (the name of which I’ve forgotten) pitted such greats as “The Samurai” and “The Viper” against other famous wrestlers such as “Black”. Yes. That’s the full name. We breezed through two rounds, and ended up at a cage match that we absolutely could not win. Even after draining the other guy’s stamina to zero, he would break the pin and proceed to pound the living crap out of the pinner. If the pinner was lucky, he would have enough time to tag out so that the other unfortunate victim could enjoy being creamed by a guy with no spine left. We ruled it a case of computer assistance and moved on…
Finally, no doubt the one you’ve been waiting for, the 16-Bit Pornographic Terrorist Taser Game. It deserves no other name, for no other name would do it justice. Picture two dirty old men (who look remarkably like the Mario Brothers) running around a building, picking up magical “H” coins (for ‘ecchi’), riding elevators, setting bombs(!) on computers(!) and zapping people with tasers until they fall off the screen. You get, by the way, 500 points for knocking someone to the next floor down, and 1000 for knocking them all the way off the bottom of the screen. Those fortunate enough to place all the bombs must run like hell to the exit or face certain annihilation and the prospect of replaying the board from scratch.
The reward for successfully destroying a SimNation’s information infrastructure? A peek at a supposedly gorgeous anime girl. The more computers you destroy, the fewer clothes she wears. If you’re really good at using your taser (as we were), you are treated to a nude shot–though the bottom naughty bits are pixelated out. How’s that for incentive?
Now, I don’t know about you, but I think this game sends the wrong message. After all, you can’t just hit your computer until porn pops out. (Not that I know from personal experience, but I have it on the word of a very trustworthy source.) And yet, I’m intrigued. This game, as presented in an arcade cabinet without any further context, leaves me wanting more.
After all, the backstory must be a hoot. And think of the instruction manual!
Next time, we experience the game that started a revolution. No, not “Pong”.
Jikai! “Zero Wing”!
For great justice.